My Ex Told Me I Love Everything
(derogatory)
“When did you know you loved someone for the first time?” someone recently asked me. That was easy. I didn’t have to think too hard before I told them, “May 2, 2000. The day my brother was born.” It’s my earliest memory—I have a freakish photographic memory in which I remember certain aspects of the past in vibrant detail, which is how I know that I was wearing a red-and-white striped t-shirt with a navy blue lobster on the front when my baby brother came roaring into the world. I had tasted Strawberry Vanilla Creme Savers for the first time, a candy choice that’s ostensibly dangerous for a small child, but my dad’s brother didn’t know how else to keep me busy while we waited. Once my brother was born, I stared at him wide-eyed with an affection I had never felt before, forgetting all about the candy. I entered the hospital that day as an only child and left as a big sister with so much love in her heart that her lobster shirt was bursting at the seams.
Throughout my entire life, I’ve loved very easily. Earlier this week, I saw a Substack note that said something along the lines of, “You can tell when someone grew up receiving love from their parents because they move through life so sure that everything will work out. It’s beautiful to watch.” I’m very grateful to have been loved, which is why I know how to love. I’m constantly saying things like, “I loved the movie.” “I love that song.” “I love Dame’s sticky toffee pudding.” “I love my job.” “I love your dress.” “I love texting.” “I love how they let you try as many samples as you want at Salt & Straw.” “I love running into people I know.” “I love my life.”
An ex boyfriend once told me that I love everything. He said it condescendingly, as if loving everything makes my love any less credible. So here’s a list of things I love!
Things I love:
Halloween
lychee martinis
“text me when you get home!”
watching wax drip down a taper candle onto the tablecloth and not caring that it’s going to be a pain to clean out because all that matters is that everyone’s laughing and wine drunk and having a gorgeous time at your dinner party and the music sounds better when it’s louder and the neighbors haven’t complained and you’ve spilled olive oil on your dress but it doesn’t matter because you’re happy
getting 8 uninterrupted hours of sleep
Dame’s sticky toffee pudding
the note in my phone that says “STICKY TOFFEE PUDDINGS: RANKED”
how they let you try as many samples as you want at Salt & Straw
learning that a co-worker is Cool
our new SoHo Sneakers at Coach <3 <3 <3
the bunny slippers from Coach’s runway show this week
Moonstruck (1987), specifically the part where Cher slaps Nicholas Cage and then slaps him again. And just all the dialogue in that movie. And Italian-Americans in general. And Lincoln Center. And the moon! Ugh
the feeling of completing something you worked hard on for a long time
sneaking my grapes and Poppi into the movie
TJMaxx
closing down a restaurant because you’re laughing so much (as long as you’re having fun with your server and the time is within reason)
when it’s too loud in the bar and Annie covers my ears for me until I find my ear plugs in my purse because she can tell my tinnitus bothers me
how Jason willingly goes wherever I tell him I want to go <3 (for example, bakeries)
how I’ve converted Jason into a sweets person to the point that he suggests bakeries we should go to now
the acidic punch of fragrance you get when you peel an orange
free stuff
who doesn’t love free stuff
if anyone would like to give me free stuff,
when men are obsessed with Clairo
Paramore’s cover of “Burning Down the House” — this was polarizing at this time last year but I love that cover OKAY?
Hayley Williams
running into Emily in our neighborhood, especially at CVS yesterday as I was about to send her a photo of a wall calendar called “Glamour Chicks” that has exotic, fabulous chickens on each page but then I looked up and saw a flash of pink hair and thought “oh good she’s here” and then we both started dying laughing because I had just welcomed her into CVS as if it was my own home because I had been there for so long that I had become friends with Ron, the cashier who was working, to the point that when Emily and I were checking out, Ron and I shook hands
watching Elise tell a story
The 1975
a cold shower after a night out in the summer when it’s 95 degrees outside
the way my dad texts about food with so much passion
when Jack calls me on a Friday morning to gossip
when you make the recipe and it looks exactly like the photo
ballerinas
when my mom texts me screenshots of CVS coupons
Twitter always
when I just look at Valerie and say one word and she immediately knows which obscure memory I’m referencing
a bit
dressing up
Amy Winehouse
July 13
when JC says, “imma fuck witcha”
pink peonies and white roses and blue hydrangeas
my pink kitchen
my pink nails
Pink Friday
the color pink
everyone who reads my Substack and everyone who subscribes and comments and messages me on Instagram and listens to LoF Radio and just all of it I literally am so grateful this is so cool and I still can’t believe people read this I’m serious I love you
Tell someone you love them! Make a list of things you love! Happy Valentine’s Day xoxoxoxox
I don’t know if you’ve ever read Fan Fiction by Tavi Gevinson but this reminds me of a part when a fictionalized Taylor Swift writes an email to Tavi, the character:
“I understand that my life is extraordinary…But what feels inauthentic to you feels inauthentic to you because if it were you telling 80,000 people that you love them, it might be inauthentic. Maybe there are things you do as a writer or an actor that another person would find too vulnerable to be believed, but that doesn’t mean you’re being fake.”
Which is to say, loving everything doesn’t make you less credible. It is an incredible gift, and often a lucky consequence of having parents that love you, as you so astutely point out. To be able to easily summon joy and enthusiasm is to be alive to everything.
It is an infectious and life-affirming way of being. In our social media era, it’s all too easy to declare things performative. We ought to be more critical of our own detection software and understand that those around us have different operating systems that lead them to experience life differently.
From my perspective, to love easily while maintaining a critical sensibility is the combination that makes life at once beautiful and full of wonder.
your ex is a hater. loving everything is cool.
Cheers to commercializing carrots and other fun things about working in fashion!!