New York City's Most Eligible Bachelors

Does this still hold up? Open for discussion.

The following piece was co-written by Anne and me in February 2022 and was pitched to the Drunken Canal. They said they were going to publish it but instead did their own version. It’s okay, we weren’t mad or anything. (No seriously, RIP Drunken Canal. Legends.)

That said, the following was written two years ago. Dune had recently come out, Omicron was in full swing, and many notable bars were beginning their descent into TikTok territory. Much of this is outdated, but much of it holds up. Without further ado…

[Feb 2022] It’s been a year of the unexpected, not least of which was the meteoric rise of Pete Davidson, who went from being a subject of Ariana Grande’s “thank u, next” to becoming the face of Rowing Blazers and banging Kim Kardashian. In honor of our favorite unexpected eligible bachelor of the year, here are some of the other up-and-comers to look out for this season.

Timothée Chalamet look-alikes 

While the star of Dune himself is typically unavailable, you can find your local Timothée Chalamet almost anywhere—skateboarding under the arch at Washington Square Park, buying Marlboro Reds at any hour of the day, browsing the aisles at McNally-Jackson, or picking up yet another vintage tee at Round Two. Bonus points if he also gives you chlamydia.

A guy with a new Arc’teryx jacket

Even though he’s dressed for a weekend of hardcore camping in the Catskills, his definition of an outdoorsy date is limited to sharing bagels in Tompkins Square Park. He’ll fall in love with you if you know when the next ALD lookbook is coming out, and if things end up going well, for your birthday you may get that NFT you’ve had your eye on. If things don’t go well, you’ll at least have gotten a dirty martini and an earful about Throwing Fits out of it.

The Parade Underwear PR Guy

Like many of the other bachelors on this list, this guy has been around town a bit, getting in ladies’ pants left and right. He’d love to give everyone a pair of Parade underwear, but not as badly as he’d like to take them off. If you or a loved one has scrolled past an ad for day-of-the-week underwear, you may be entitled to financial compensation or a first date drink at Acme.

That guy on the subway with the tote bag wearing Blundstones reading a book

You’ll give him your best fuck-me eyes while he pretends to very studiously read The Feminine Mystique. Normally he’d be on his bike, but he’s on the L train because he had to safely drop off the new craft beer he’s promoting. If you ever get the nerve to actually talk to him, you may soon end up at Mud comparing what’s on your individual Twitter feeds and reminiscing about where you were when you heard that Joan Didion died. 

Nicholas Braun

Has anyone ever witnessed Cousin Greg himself at Ray’s?? Please let us know. We are desperately looking to marry into money and tall genes. If you try hard enough, you can be the lucky girl who’s spotted with this dashing stringbean on DeuxMoi’s weekly roundup. 

Elmo (of Sesame Street)

While we always knew it was Elmo’s World, we just now realized we’re all living in it. Recently, Elmo has taken over the internet and cannot be stopped. Seeing him stand up to Rocco and express his more fiery side turned us on inexplicably—who knows what happens behind closed doors? We’re not trying to get in the way of Zoe, but Elmo did say they were just friends.

The Freelance DJ with the Instagram Business Profile (“The Next Diplo”)

If you’re brave enough to give him your number, beware that most of his texts will be Soundcloud links and event posters where you can find his name in very small font after all the other performers you’ve also never heard of. A date with this guy will most likely involve having to attend one of his sets and then heading to the after party, which will actually just consist of him and his friends doing ketamine and complimenting each other on their beats.

Murray Hill Finance Bros

This might be the most expected of New York bachelors—the old-fashioned finance bro. He promises the best spot in town for omakase (which of course you’re going halfsies on), and he’ll buy you and your friends infinite tequila sodas. He’ll brag about knowing a cool, low-key speakeasy… but it’s just the one above Five Guys. If he buys you enough tequila sodas for you to go home with him, you’ll wake up the next morning in his bed with no topsheet, greeted by the sight of Infinite Jest on his bedside table. Come to think of it, this might be the beginning of our ineligible bachelor list.

[Feb 2024] Yes, a lot of that is cringe, but that was the zeitgeist! I’m so glad that pandemic is over. Happy Valentine’s Day ♡ ̆̈