The Secret(s) to Throwing a Good Party

By popular demand.

Recently I was out to dinner for a friend’s birthday, and someone at the table asked the group, “What was the best birthday party you’ve ever had?” My mind went in several directions — for as long as I can remember, I have always loved throwing parties. The first party of mine that I can remember planning was my 9th birthday party, which I insisted on helping my mom organize. She took me to Party City to select one of the packaged themes from the store’s cluttered aisles, and what did I decide? I wanted the theme to be everything. I wanted all the themes. I didn’t want any of them to feel left out. (I’m such an empath.) My mom didn’t argue as she’s always been one to let creativity flow, and so we filled the cart with Barbie plates, Power Rangers napkins, Ninja Turtles balloons, and Little Mermaid party favors. It was a hit.

Another party that came to mind when asked about my best birthday party ever was my 21st birthday. The infamous Gossip Girl-inspired White Party. I remember waking up the morning after that party and overhearing two of the neighbors say, “Someone stole the bikes.” “They stole our bikes too!” “Call that girl who had the party last night.” I shot out of bed and drove to all of my guy friends’ houses and banged on their families’ front doors and demanded I get my neighbors’ bikes back. Throwing the bikes into the back of my Jeep, I returned them successfully and woke up my friends to help me clean up from the party. All before 9 AM. Being a host is hard work.

Overall, my birthday party last year was probably my favorite, and I have a whole essay about that special day (Lunch on Friday #3 - we’ve come so far since this was written, aw).

The reason for this piece, however, is that I received some lovely and totally valid questions after resharing my love letter to parties, You're Invited, earlier this week.

The main question: do you have any secrets to throwing a good party?

You’re in luck.

Let me start by saying that anyone can throw a good party. Sure, it can be intimidating, but if you plan properly I truly believe you can execute ANYTHING. Did anyone else have a high school English teacher who drilled the 5Ps into their sleep-deprived heads? Proper planning prevents poor performance. This applies to both AP English exams and party hosting.

Without further ado, here are my secrets to throwing a good party.

The invitation

Yeah, obviously. I know you know that, BUT—did you ever think about how the invitation is the first impression of what the party will be like? It’s the first thing your guests will associate the party with, and you want it to be compelling. There are services like Partiful which make it easy to share information with your guests and track RSVPs. I, however, think it’s more fun to make a digital flyer. I don’t like using Partiful (as mentioned in You're Invited) because it almost feels too organized and I don’t want my guests seeing who else RSVPed. Surprise and delight! Here are two of my favorite invites from parties past:

Of course, you don’t need to make a flyer. You can send an old-fashioned mail invite or an old-fashioned text message. Anything goes, but make it fun!

A theme or a bit or a reason or a mood board or even an aesthetic

NOT MANDATORY, but encouraged. Of course you don’t have to have a reason to throw a party—let me make that clear. However, it is quite fun to have a theme. Even if it’s ridiculous.

In early 2017, I tweeted, “i’m having a shark week party this year everyone’s invited” and during Shark Week that summer, I had a shark darty (which ended up going down in history as… if you know you know.)

In 2022, Anne and I had a Presidents’ Day party and told all our friends to show up with a fun fact about a president, and everyone did. Excitedly. Ridiculously.

Most recently, I threw a dinner party for Anne’s birthday and the theme was “decadence.” That one was a bit more open for interpretation, but everyone was excited to have something to base their outfits on.

I’ve thrown birthday parties and housewarming parties and lease renewal parties and October parties (not everyone is obsessed with Halloween like I am) and holiday parties and various dinner parties. A party is a party with or without a theme, but having something that sets the tone for your guests makes it feel communal and exciting before the event’s even started.

Good lighting

This one is kind of funny because I think I’m one of the only people who thinks about lighting this much. It could be a result of having a mother who’s an interior designer, but I’m never not thinking about lighting. Recently, I dimmed the lights at a karaoke bar because I felt it was too bright for the type of energy in there. I do things like this quite often.

Lighting at a party is so. important. I think I stress my friends out with this one when they’re hosting because I’ve drilled into their heads so many times how important this is. Before my friend Jack’s birthday party in February, his twin brother innocently said to me, “Jack is stressing about the weirdest things for our party tonight. Like, he keeps talking about the lighting? I don’t understand why he’s so stressed about that.” That would be my fault. Sorry, Jack.

If your overhead lights don’t dim, I pray to God you never turn them on and I’m so serious. Bluetooth bulbs are your best friend—technology is amazing. Warm lighting is amazing. Low lighting is amazing. Lamps are amazing. Candles are amazing (if it’s a more intimate gathering). LED strips that can be found in 9 out of 10 college boys’ dorm rooms are not amazing. Unless you’re in college still. Your days are numbered.

A conversation starter

Okay, this one’s important, and it comes in many forms. I originally had this labeled as “a special drink” and then changed it to “a special treat,” but ultimately, it’s something that you surprise your guests with that gives them something to talk about. This way, even if they don’t know each other, they have something in common. For example, every year for my holiday party, I provide a couple things that make it feel special. Candy canes, mistletoe, a beautifully decorated tree, but most notably—eggnog. For some reason the eggnog is always a conversation starter, and the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Eggnog is kind of a weird drink. Would you even call it a drink? It’s so thick. Not a lot of people like it or have tried it. Some people LOVE it. I also triple the recipe when I make it for a party, so it calls for like… 18 eggs. Which is kind of scary. Eggnog makes for interesting (and often funny) conversation. Two of my best friends started dating after meeting at my holiday party a couple years ago. I swear it was the eggnog.

The conversation starter can ALSO come in the form of

A party favor

Totally not mandatory (can be expensive), but it’s fun to surprise your guests with a little party favor, even if it’s something so small. For more special events (like birthdays), I’ve been making custom matchboxes. I create the designs myself and then order them from this woman on Etsy who I’m going to gatekeep for now, understandably. People LOVE matches. Such a fun little memento to have.

Manage libation expectations

I’m pro-BYOB. One day I’ll have enough money to supply alcohol for everyone, but today is not that day. Tell your guests what to expect in terms of food and/or beverage so that no one is hungry or thirsty or worse… hangry.

A banger playlist

Another obvious one, but also an important one. Get your friends involved beforehand. Create a shared playlist. Have a range of music—apparently not everyone wants to listen to only Charli XCX, which is extremely lame of them, but I get it. Here’s an example.

Invite your crushes

I’ve been saying this for years. I want all my single friends to invite their crushes to my parties. I want drama!

The 5Ps

I mentioned this earlier, but do you remember??? Proper planning prevents poor performance. Make a list. (You guys know I love my Notes app.) Make it collaborative if you want your friends’ help.

Buy any supplies ahead of time. Prepare to run out of things. Prepare to have to hide things you don’t want getting touched or ruined (or stolen, but hopefully this doesn’t ever happen to you). Prepare for people to ask where they should put their coats or where they should throw things away or where they can smoke or where they can make their brand-sponsored content. (You know who you are.)

I’m adding a 6th P which is

Projector

I bought a $40 projector from Amazon when I was a freshman in college and it has served me so well over the years. If you have a blank wall in your space, project some visuals onto it if you’re throwing a party at night. It’s so simple and so fun.

During Anne’s decadent birthday dinner party last weekend, I started by projecting Midsommar visuals on the screen, and by the time I was serving cake, we had the Coachella livestream going. Another conversation starter. Anything goes.

MOST IMPORTANT: THE HOST MUST BE HAVING FUN!

This one’s from my girl Ina Garten. If you’re not having fun, how do you expect your guests to be having fun! If you follow the 5Ps, you’re golden. Just enjoy.

And of course…

It’s not a party without

Pictures — film, disposable camera, digital camera, Polaroid, iPhone. Take lots.

photo by maraya fisher

(I was going to include a bunch of photos from parties but it was taking a really long time to go through them and then naturally I started sending them to people being like “this was so funny” and so now I’ve wasted a lot of time but the point is to just have some cameras or friends with cameras and take fun pictures.)

Did I miss anything?

I love throwing parties and this was so fun to write. I was specifically writing about party parties, but if you want one that’s specific to dinner parties, let me know. I love reading your comments and Instagram DMs and LinkedIn (?!) DMs. There are more people here recently and it’s way cute. Thank you for READING !!!!!

Also, if you haven’t read already,

emily north

of angel cake and I wrote a fun and silly collaborative piece on what’s realistic vs unrealistic about Sex and the City. It was SO fun to write and we will absolutely be doing more of these, so make sure you’re subscribed to angel cake :)

THROW A PARTY THIS WEEKEND! xoxox